So, I had the day off today, which was excellent, because lately work has been so petal to the metal with this national Kentucky Fried Chicken campaign that I can hardly catch my breath. So after sleeping in until ridiculous-o-clock and watching the pre-requisite 4 hours of "Cop Reality" TV, my future wife and I were looking for something else to fill out the day. Well, what says "a fun day at home with the wife" like this:

Oh, yeah... RISK. The Game of Global Domination. Now, you'd think that with a slightly meglomaniacal personality, I would be a shoo-in to run this thing from right out of the gate. And you would be completely wrong. What followed, my friends was several hours of getting my @$$ handed to me and calling my own masculinity into question. I tried to hold Africa and Australia for as long as I could, but as soon as she rolled into Asia, the Bell doth tolleth for me.

And she still claims she doesn't know how to play. I hate RISK-sharks.

-The Doc

Three Posts in a day??  How is that possible??

The TNC team has come back from the archives with another classic post from back in the MySpace.com days.  This one was from last year, but I think that it is just as relevant today as it was then.  Check it out! 

The desolation of winter is now well behind us, and we are in the midst of spring. You can really tell too. It's palpable, like something in the air. And with spring comes thoughts of romance... of young lovers walking hand in hand, gazing soulfully into each other's eyes... the future so open and filled with possibilities.

SNAP OUT OF IT! The likelyhood of finding the love of your life in this day and age is about as likely as me finding an unexploded nuclear device in my backyard. And I was there this morning... no WMD. Nevertheless, we need to remain optimistic and somewhat open to the possibility of love, so that should it present itself, we are not caught off guard. Myself included. Yeah... I'm aware of what I said about being single for life, and about relationships being the root of all evil, but as my friend Paul recently reminded me, these things have a way of working themselves out, and perhaps even I will again find love. Never know. For my part, I am not actively seeking it, but if it happens, it happens... and for as much as I can't stand the thought of being retardedly-in-love, I like being told "I told you so" much less.

So, today we will go over the basics of surviving a relationship, or if you want to go one better, how to make a relationship actually work. Bear in mind as you read this "survival guide", that I am the product of no less than 20 failed relationships, and thus my advice muse be taken with a grain of salt. While I find that I often know the "how's" of relationshiping, I am awful at the application. I guess it's true that those who can't, teach.

Recently I wrote to my old chum, Lisa, a basic overview of how relationships are begun and the advice I gave sang very true.

First off, we need to dispel the old thinking that beginning a relationship is the responsibility of the male. This is not only an outdated, sexist idea, but it also makes no sense. Let's be realistic here, men are complete idiots. No qualifier there, we are. About everything, but especially about feelings, romance, and women. The woman must take the lead here in choosing a suitible mate, as her choice more often than not will not be based upon "who has the biggest boobies".

Ladies, and I find this to be horribly accurate, often your choices lend themselves towards men who are either too childish to be in a relationship, or simply frightening. Why the appeal of the "bad boy" is so strong I'll never know, but remember you're looking for quality here. Someone that you might want to wake up next to every morning. While your local James Dean might look great and be decent in the sack, he rarely sticks around to make you an omelet in the morning. There are "nice guys" still out there, myself being one of them. We're worth the hunt.

When you do find one that meets the qualifications of your "dream guy", you need to develop a friendship with your intended, BUT make your intention well known in advance. Say you meet a guy that you think you might like to try to have a relationship with, I don't know, say in a library or something. Strike up a casual conversation, and if you think things could potentially work out, handle the situation with the mindframe that you are the CEO of a major Fortune 500 business interviewing a candidate for a position. Ideally, "Look, I think you are a great guy, and I think that we have a good potential for a romantic relationship, but I really need to know you first. I suggest that we develop our friendship first, an internship if you will, and see where it goes from there." Basically you have to spell it out, because again, good guy or bad guy, it doesn't really matter when it comes to intelligence. We're all REALLY stupid unless you hit us in the face with it.

Guys, we need to respect the idea of the internship also, as it has it's benefit to us. How many times have you let Big Jim and the Twins lead you in your pursuit of a mate? And how many times has that ended in the realization that the sweet, caring gal from the bar the other night switched places with an angry, needy shrew of a woman while your back was turned. With a "friendship only" period, it is much more difficult to keep that more dominant persona under wraps, and once it does surface, you can make your escape without generating too many waves.

Ladies, care must also be taken to not let the "internship" period last too long. Sure, you want to cultivate the trust and intensity needed for a successful relationship, but if it goes on too long, women seem to place guys into the category of "guy I absolutely love... like a brother". This does NO good whatsoever. Most women have enough brothers as it is, adding one more is often pointless. I would suggest a "trial" period of no more than one month. After a month of concentrated work, you should be able to determine whether it will work or not. No matter how long you go, it is not a good idea to accept anything less than a week, especially if there is ANY complaint from the guy. If he complains, he only wants to get in your pants, and that makes for a good night, but often a hellish week. Get him to respect you... you're not a hunk of meat, after all.

So, you ask, how is the transition made? Again, the woman's initiative must come into play. Subtle suggestion WILL NOT work here (see above statements on male intelligence). Once you have decided to go for it, go for it like a fat guy at a buffet table. Leap all over that poor fool, showering him in affectionate kisses. This is indeed the moment of truth. If he reciprocates, you are in like Flint. Good Job. If he shys away, or rejects the advance, he is clearly not interested... or gay. The experiment is over, but on an up note, you've at least made a new friend, and that's worth having. A lot of women reject this finding, saying that mayhaps the guy simply rejects the advance out of respect. This is a load of hooey, unless of course, alcohol is involved, and if such is the case, then you REALLY do have a GREAT guy! Repeat the advance when sober and be reassuring.

A lot of the emphasis is placed on the woman's role in beginning the relationship, and this is as it should be. This is the 21st century, and realistically, women will end up being the ones to have unchallenged authority and power in the relationship anyway, so why not just come right out with it. Don't believe me? Deny your boyfriend sex for no apparent reason whatsoever, and you will never see a more confused and frightened man. He'll be so busy trying to figure out "what he did wrong" to realize the sham that has been perpetrated.

That's enough for now. You have the basics of how it works. I got you in. Later installments will soon come where I'll deal with relationship maintanence (WHY guys are always wrong in a fight -- When the seemingly perfect gift is met with tears -- Bedtime manuvers -- Knowing "when to hold 'em, and when to fold 'em"

Hope you all enjoyed. Subscribe to this blog if you did, so you won't miss a beat.

Love Ya'll,
-The Doctor

EDITOR'S NOTE: Feel free to send me e-mails(TheBigNoodle@gmail.com) on questions you would like to see answered in future blog installments and I'll be sure to get you a "linkable" credit in said blog. Remember, you're support is the ONLY thing keeping this blog going and so popular. So write in, and thank you!